


||Ghost.||

by jpegcalum



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Enemies to Lovers, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Smut, F/M, Grey Jedi, Jedi, Padawan, You and Ben trained together, You're a Grey Jedi, lightsaber fights
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-08
Updated: 2017-12-15
Packaged: 2018-07-13 21:33:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7138115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jpegcalum/pseuds/jpegcalum
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>++Spoiler Free!!++</p><p>You curl your body up tighter beneath the sweet smelling bush, your pale colored garments showing off the dirt that clung to you. You frowned, brushing at the crumbles of earth, when suddenly the foliage parted, and you were hauled out by your collar.<br/>A squeal leaves your lips as you're tackled to the ground, your arms tangling with your assailant's as you attempted to defend yourself, but you only roll for a moment before you're pinned to the soft, sweet smelling grass beneath you. It takes you a moment to catch your breath before you let out a cry of anger. </p><p>"Ben Solo, you cheated!"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What Happened to the Soul that You Used to Be? (Parts I&II)

The sunlight dappled over your tiny form, the leaves swaying just in front of your face, holding your breath as you strive to keep hidden. Your thoughts are still buzzing, however, and you stick out your tongue, trying to form a shield to keep them to yourself. You're only ten years old, hunkered beneath a chrystanthus shrub, working a training exercise with the other padawans. You'd been paired with your best friend, and you knew that he was strong enough to find you from your thoughts alone. He'd told you that you were a loud thinker before, which had ended up with him taking a rock to the face.   
You'd tried to justify it to Master Skywalker, claiming that, 'you shouldn't be punished, since you'd used the Force'.   
You'd been disciplined anyways. 

You curl your body up tighter beneath the sweet smelling bush, your pale colored garments showing off the dirt that clung to you. You frowned, brushing at the crumbles of earth, when suddenly the foliage parted, and you were hauled out by your collar.   
A squeal leaves your lips as you're tackled to the ground, your arms tangling with your assailant's as you attempted to defend yourself, but you only roll for a moment before you're pinned to the soft, sweet smelling grass beneath you. It takes you a moment to catch your breath before you let out a cry of anger. 

"Ben Solo, you cheated!" 

The boy who has you pinned by your wrists, perching on your belly, gives a toothy grin, illuminating his youthful, happy face.   
His freckles are vibrant, his dark curls unkempt and littered with leaves- the same way yours is. His dark eyes sparkle with laughter as he shakes his head, the warm breeze a comfort, though there were no clouds in the crystalline sky.   
"Next time, you won't project your thoughts, loud mouth." He teases, and you give a huff, trying to wiggle out from beneath him. At two years older than you, he's got the size and weight advantage, but Master Skywalker says you're fast and clever. 

"Well, next time, I'll find you, you big, dumb pikobi!" You shout, only to be silenced by the pressure shutting your mouth. You recognize it as the Force, and you huff through your nose as Ben giggles madly. He releases you before climbing off of you and holding a hand out to you to help you up. You take it, hopping up, ready to get back to the plaza to continue training with the other students. 

 

Your eyes flicker open to the morning sun filtering in through the threadbare curtains, the memory still fresh in your mind. That one, that particular one, never faded. Your childhood, replaying over and over in your mind, as if thirteen years hadn’t passed since you were so small, afraid of your own shadow.   
But they had, and you felt older with every passing day. You’d not burdened yourself with any particular ally or foe, only with the safety of yourself, and those around you. Your allegiance was to yourself, and not to any order that would have you unfeeling, or obedient like some dog. It was more comfortable that way, and you liked it well enough. 

You slowly sit up on your bedroll, pushing your hair out of your face as you tried to bring yourself into wakefulness fully, rubbing your bare arms to attempt to warm your body. The thin material that you wore to sleep in didn’t provide much warmth in the winter, even if you were inside, sleeping beside the heat source that was your stove. You supposed that being cold was better than being in a barren desert, with sand filling your boots and wearing away at housing. It wasn’t bad, all things considered. Better than what the other Padawans got after Luke Skywalker abandoned you, you were sure.

Unlike the others, you’d been lucky enough to have been of the age where you understood what was happening. You were able to keep training yourself, use your powers to help people, and yet, not be under anyone’s control. The Force was just an extra hand for you. You used it to help those in need. And you had a long day of that, and meditation ahead of you, so you pushed yourself off of the small mat that rested on the metal floor, stretching out your body. A myriad of clicks and pops met the action, and you sighed, shedding your clothes and pulling on fresh ones, along with your thick winter cloak, the fur lined hood bound to keep you warm in the bitter winds on Jelucan. 

It's a secluded planet, not much there besides the mining business and the marketplace. The pollution that'd infested the atmosphere made the air nearly impossible to breathe, and that meant that no one ever tried to speak to each other through the gas masks. That meant that no one ever questioned you about your origin, or your strange attire, or the lightsaber at your hip.  
Fixing your mask over your face, you're satisfied that you won't have the problem of frostbite on your cheeks- that's common around the planet, even children bearing the dark, marring scars.   
You sigh as your stomach grumbles, used to the emptiness, but not really in the business of swindling people out of their goods by using the Force. Good or bad, none of that mattered to you. You were interested in not being dead. You shove open the door to your hovel, your cloak immediately whipping in the wind, nearly taking you off of your feet. You grit your teeth, though, beginning your trek through the dry cold.

The dirt road was worn, this path the one you traveled every day. The marketplace was your self given station, just the place you lingered to watch for petty thieves, or bullies that would be cruel to the children that you'd grown fond of. You find yourself entirely devoted to them, more than you'd like. You wish you were a vagabond, but the little girl with the big grey eyes that begged you to play with her every day was your demise.   
You're lost in thought, and maybe that's why you don't look up until the rumble of ships breaking into the atmosphere sounds, shaking the very ground you stood on. It's normal, for people to travel here, but you can tell, just by the looks of them, they're not here to visit the mountains. These are different, and you focus on them, stretching your senses and using the Force to identify them.  
You feel darkness and anger suddenly penetrating the air around you, driving a shudder up your spine. The last time you'd felt something like that, it hadn't been half as strong, hadn't been so mean, and yet, it felt so bitterly familiar that you were paralyzed for a split second-

Until the first shot was fired. 

The laser ripped through the air ahead of you, into the glimmer of light that was the marketplace, the screech and following explosion making you jar where you stood. Screams and crashes were filling the air, and you could only stare. An attack? From the First Order? Why here?

You can't stay complacent anymore; you take off running, arms pumping and legs flying as you rush to help those innocents that'd been hurt, but you were easily a half-mile away from the damage. The smoke billowing into the haze of clouds was enough to make your heart clench and your muscles move that much faster. 

In the back of your head, you know that you can't help. You can't save anyone. The few Force sensitive across the systems were targets of the First Order, and now, it was your turn. But if they thought you were just going to give in, they were sorely mistaken. You can hear the screams, the wails of terror, and your heart threatens to tear free of your chest.   
You suck in lungfuls of air, and you can taste the sour discharge in the air, the bitter scent of burning things pulling you down. People are running from the market center, the Tie-Fighters swooping overhead like big black flies, still firing down into the leftover population that’d gotten trapped. Weaving between the herds of terrified people, you duck around them, wincing as they shoulder into you, you shove your way through, ready to help. 

You’d just set foot into the dirt alleyway, the destroyed carts and stalls falling around you, when you hear it. The scream, that of a little girl. Your heart wrenches, and you look around, eyes wide as you search for the child. She’s so small, you know that she won’t stand a chance alone. 

The ships are still swarming, but now, a larger one, one that you’re certain isn’t a Tie-Fighter, is descending, making its landing in the center of the square. You don’t slow, even though the feeling that you get from that ship is one that makes your skin crawl. There’s something- someone on it, someone carrying such rage and hatred that it scares even you. A Sith, you remember Master Skywalker calling those who let anger lead them to the Dark Side. 

You allow yourself to stare for just a moment, but you turn at the sound of another cry, coming from just behind you, from a dilapidated and burning stall. Flaming debris is everywhere, and people are still struggling, getting out, but it’s like they can’t hear the child. You dive for the smoldering fabric, pushing it aside and falling to your knees as you crawl beneath it.   
The child was pinned beneath one of the pillars that’d held up the stall, the wares that had been for sale scattered around her. She’s weeping, blood blooming across the beige dress she wore. Her legs were pinned, her mask having been knocked away, and you take a deep breath before removing yours, and fixing it over her face. Suddenly, the smoke and fumes are assaulting your senses, making you cough slightly, but you have a job to do.   
“Hold on, little one, i’m going to get you out.” you promise, and the girl nods shakily, the mask far too big on her face, but it did its job.   
You square your shoulders, kneeling down and gripping the pole that held her down. Glancing at her, she nods again, and you take that as your signal to lift. It’s heavier than you’d expected, but you’re strong. You do it, and she scoots away, her legs damaged, but not totally broken. You let it down, and waste no time scooping her up, holding her to your chest. You freeze, however, as you hear the grinding metallic sound, that which signalled the landing hatch of a ship opening. You swallow hard as you scramble along the dusty ground, hauling the girl back into the warzone, that was now, surprisingly, barren. The wind is howling, throwing dirt and sand into the air, but as it cleared, your heart stopped. 

A man stood before the ship, his black robes whipping with the winds, his face obscured by a mask that you’re certain you’d seen before, but you couldn’t quite put your finger on just where. He’s just standing there, watching you clutch the girl tightly, his fists clenched. He’s only twenty feet away from you, but you can see clearly the glint of silver in his hand, and you know what it is.   
You swear, shifting the girl to your hip so that you can use your hand to draw your own saber, relishing in the sharp sound the weapon made as it illuminated. The man in black switched his on as well, but it was unlike yours. Yours was the color that the sky had been when you were young, back on Coruscant.   
His burned red, and you knew then that he was the source of the anger you’d sensed. The blade seemed unstable, throwing sparks from all three terminals, but it almost matched the aura that he gave off. 

The wind was dying down now, and you take a deep breath, leaning down and setting the child on her shaky legs. You tell her to run and hide, and she doesn’t argue for once, limping and stumbling off as you turned back to your adversary, who was now taking slow, calculated steps towards you. He’s trained in classical fight techniques, you see, and you almost mimic him, having received the very same training yourself. You now stand just ten feet apart, and power is practically radiating off of him in waves. His shoulders are broad, his legs showing no sign of any shakiness, and you hope you look as threatening as he does. Both hands on the hilt of your lightsaber, you begin to stretch your mind, trying to breach his, but before you can, a sudden crushing feeling overtakes your skull, and you feel him. You feel him inside your head. He’s searching you, ripping you to shreds, and you gasp, gritting your teeth and throwing up wall after wall, watching him tense as he’s shoved out. You know he’s seen your memories, and you’re not letting your guard down again. 

Although you can’t see his eyes, you know he’s staring at you, his muscles still tensed, and you take a chance, side stepping. You realize it’d been intuition, because just as you do, he swings at you, but he seems almost reserved, like he’s holding back. Why would he be doing that?

You spin your saber in your hand, a display of confidence and fearlessness, showing him that you won’t be backing down. A low chuckle can be heard, deep, modulated as it leaves his mask. 

“This will be easiest if you simply give in.” His voice matches his demeanor and look; it’s dark and condescending, but you only shake your head at him. 

“Not after you’ve wrecked my planet and killed my people.” You snap, watching as his weapon spits sparks. He advances again, but you raise your lightsaber and he stops, shifting his feet into a fighting stance. 

“It’s your fault. You should have picked a better planet to hide on. One less populated. One harder to find.”  
You feel the truth in his words as a stab of guilt, but rage fuels you as you lunge, swinging your lightsaber in an arc, only to have it blocked. You can tell you’d caught him off guard, though, and you begin to pre plan your moves in your head, only to have them all blocked, parried, pushed back. It’s infuriating, the amount of effort you’re putting in, and the ease with which this man is taking you apart. An invisible hand grips your body as he raises his own gloved palm, and you are shoved backwards in the sand, falling into a kneel, your free hand gripping the ground to steady yourself. He relents, and you rise, glaring. 

“Who are you?” You growl, feeling uneasy. This seemed too familiar, just like that mask. Just like everything about him. You can almost feel the smirk as he stands upright. 

“You can’t tell?” He asks, and you wince, your fears slowly manifesting. Your knuckles are white around your saber as you observe him, trying to find a weak point. However, he strikes first, low, towards your legs, and it becomes apparent that he’s not trying to kill you. He only wants to wound you.   
You dart out of the way, displaying the speed that he seemed to lack, but made up for in strength and size. You slash at his back as you round on him, but he turns, holding up a hand, as if gripping the air, but you feel the Force around your wrist, holding you there. You struggle, but he grabs you by the shoulder, stepping close and holding his saber to your side, the plasma cutting straight through your thick jacket, and beginning to burn your flesh. You cry out, trying to struggle away from him, but he holds you, purposefully forcing you to feel your skin being mauled by him.   
His face his close to yours, and you know he can see you crying, but there’s no change in his actions. He shifts closer to you before shutting off both your and his sabers. Yours falls from your hand, clattering to the ground, but you’re too weak to care. Your knees are shaking, threatening to give out, but he’s still holding you tightly as he moves his face nearer to your ear. 

“Next time, you won't project your thoughts, loud mouth.” 

The words pierce the air, and the realization strikes you, just as the darkness overwhelms you.

 

When you wake, you find yourself laying in a bed. Or, rather, a table with a thin blanket over you. Gone are your thick furs; you’re in your skin hugging undershirt and shorts, and you’re freezing, but you can’t cover yourself any further. Your hands are chained down, held down to your sides, keeping you stationery and unmoving. You take a shaky breath, relaxing and closing your eyes, stretching your mind to try and determine exactly where you are.   
The room is hardly a room, it’s a cell, with no windows, nothing but plain dark grey walls. It was soundproofed, as far as you can tell, because it’s suffocatingly silent.  
Your head hurts, a side effect of the Force being used against you to pull you from consciousness, but you still try to search yourself for the answers.   
You last remember… Him. 

Ben. 

You swallow hard, trying to calm your buzzing mind, but it’s pointless. How could this be happening? He was a child, barely a teenager when everything hit the fan, and yet…  
You weren’t sure that it was him, but you had enough evidence. He’d taken you captive and yet-  
The door to the small room opens without warning and you jump, turning your head. 

“You’re still so loud.” The baritone snaps the silence like a twig and you wince, trying to pull free. 

“Fuck you.” You snarl, but the words do nothing, simply bouncing off the mask that the man wore to obscure his face. You wonder if he’s anything like the child you knew, anything like your best friend anymore. 

He doesn’t reply, and you take the opportunity to shove your way into his mind, and, surprisingly, you make it in, his memories pouring into your head.   
They’re dark, full of fury and fear, killing and torturing people, moments of his face in a broken mirror, and flickers of blue skies and green grass, of a little girl trying her best to deflect blows with a lightsaber, only to be knocked to the ground. There’s memories of an older man and woman, looking so somber that it stung you, and then, a the same man, his face contorted in pain, a blazing red light burning just over his shoulder. 

You gasp, wrenching your way free, your chest heaving as you stared up at him. He approached slowly, his face turned to you. 

“Did you find what you were looking for?” He asks, and you have to avert your gaze, it being too much for you to bear. You find yourself afraid, nervous, and you want to hide from him, but you have no hope of doing any such thing.  
He approaches again, a hand resting against your bicep. You try to jerk away, but his grip tightens and you wince once more. 

“Stop touching me.” You snarl, knowing exactly what he'd done, who he'd killed. He'd nearly killed that girl on Jelucan, and that, you couldn't forgive.   
A slow breath leaves him, audible through his helmet as he releases you.   
He takes a step away, still looking down at you before shaking his head, turning slightly to glance at the door, just as it slid open, the hydraulics hissing as pair of men stepped in, dressed in dark grey clothing. One of them pushed a small trolley, and from the corner of your eye, you can see several tools glinting in the low lights of the cell.

“You won't touch me.” You demand of the workers, who both stare back, vacant looks on their faces. 

“We won't touch you.” The reply comes in unison, a press of relief filling your chest, but not for long. 

“You will do as you are ordered. You will examine her, then you will deliver her to my quarters. Am I understood?” The deep voice makes you scowl.

“Yes, Commander Ren.” The men reply, turning to you and beginning to work at your clothes. You growl, but find yourself frozen, stiff and stock still, held by the Force, by the man in black. 

“Ben.” You say it quietly, hoping that he'll change suddenly, that he'll be the kind boy you grew up with- but you're not that lucky. He slowly turns to face you, his hands balled into fists. You can feel your chest constrict and you gasp for air. 

“Ben Solo is dead. I am Kylo Ren.” He speaks out of anger, waving his hand and turning on his heel. His swirling cloak leaving the room was the last thing you saw before you look up at the men who are now meticulously surveying you, cutting away the last scraps of your clothing. You're totally bare before them, restrainted, but not defenseless.  
As soon as they tried anything funny, you'd handle it. 

 

It went smoothly, though they has to tell you to be still more than once. You weren't happy about it, but they'd made sure you'd received every health helping injection and procedure there was, and when you questioned them as to why, they only said that it was Commander Ren’s wish that you not be ill.   
Pretentious dick.

When they finished, you were bathed, uncomfortable with their grubby hands on you. You let them work, though, cringing every time they touched you -but when they'd finished, you were given a garment made entirely of black fabric, a dress that fell to the tops of your bare feet. Your side was bandaged, making your body awkward and stiff, hard to move naturally. You felt foolish, standing there in such a pretty article, but as far as you could figure, Ben, or Kylo Ren, had taken you as a toy. 

You wouldn't sit at his feet like a dog, you were going to fight. Fight with everything you had left. 

Your hands were bound in front of you as you were marched down the halls, earning several stares and whispers from bystanding officers and personnel. You hold your head up high, unafraid, mostly pissed off at the state of things. You feel like an idiot, dressed like a lady when you were just dredged up from a halfway deserted planet, and now, you were practically owned by Kylo Ren, and all of these people knew it. You grit your teeth, keeping quiet until you were guided into a long, empty hallway, small corridors branching off, but a large, ornate door at the very end. You could tell, stretching your mind, that this was where Kylo Ren resided, and you took a deep breath, readying yourself. 

The escorts don’t make it to the door. They’re two armed Stormtroopers, sure, but you’re quick, and even though your hands are bound and your side still aches, but you’re able to disarm the one to your left before kicking out, hitting him square in the chest. The second soldier shouts at you, raising his gun, but you raise your hand, freezing his fingers before he could pull the trigger. Punching his wrist makes his hand go limp, and the gun falls, but you catch it, holding it as best you can, backing up and looking for an exit, a way to run. 

You don’t get the chance.   
The hissing of a door opening just behind you makes you freeze, pursing your lips as a slow breath leaves you, and you drop the blaster, knowing you can’t fight him. Not like this.   
But you can run.   
You don’t look back at him, sensing him at your back before you gather the damned skirt up, and take off running, back down the chrome hallways, twisting and turning, winding in ways that confuse you, but you can’t stop.   
You find yourself at the end of a hall, a large window facing out into a hangar full of ships, when the skull splitting agony starts, and you cry out, holding your head as you drop to the floor. 

“Why are you running from me?” You hear him in your head, his voice, eerily calm as you lean against the wall. You shake your head, desperately trying to block him from you. 

“Don’t push me out, little girl. We both know how often you’ve thought of me. Now that i’m here, you do not wish to hear me?” It’s stronger, like he’s getting closer, and you let out a pained sob, drawing your knees to your chest. You can’t think, you can hardly breathe, and you think you might pass out. 

“Stop, please… it hurts, please, stop…” You whisper, trying again to separate from him, but you hear boots pounding in the hall beside you, coming to get you, and yet, you can’t bring yourself to run again. Your strength is gone, and growl in frustration, covering your face. The pain relents, and you suck in a deep breath, coughing as you revel in the relief. But you can’t relax. The pounding is now beside you, and it stops suddenly, the rustle of fabric sounding just in front of you. You look up slowly, meeting the empty pit of darkness, the visor of Kylo Ren’s visor as he crouches before you, his hands resting on his thighs as he stares at you.   
It’s silent, and you speak up first. 

“I… I won’t run again.” You’re desperate, and definitely lying, but he seems to believe you, nodding slightly before motioning to the ‘troopers that’d followed him along. He rises, and two of the four white clad soldiers advance, gripping you tightly by the arms and hauling you up, making you wince as you’re halfway dragged down the halls again, Kylo Ren leading the pack, ensuring that you will not try to run again. 

You swallow hard, praying to whatever higher power there was that you’d be able to handle whatever punishment was to come, and that, maybe, you’d begin to get some answers.   
After all, Kylo had once been Ben Solo. What could have changed so drastically?   
You try to think back, back to when you were children, but all that was there… Only happy memories. Blocks, chunks, carelessly tossed about. There were white spots, empty places where you’re sure something should have been, but you couldn’t, for the life of you, dig anything up. You swallow hard, lowering your head and trying to keep up with the wide strides of the Stormtroopers. 

Something was wrong here, and it wasn’t just the obvious villains.   
Your mind had been tampered with, and you needed answers.


	2. Would You Bleed For Me?

“We’re going to get in trouble, Ben!”

“No we aren’t. Just keep up.”

“Easier said than done… You’ve got longer legs!”

You’re still smaller than him, and it doesn’t help in the least that he’s easily towering over you now. Damn his growth spurt. He’s fifteen, and you’re thirteen, but you made it your life’s mission to keep pace with him, even if it was very nearly impossible.   
Ben had made the genius decision to sneak out, after you were both supposed to be in bed, but the area surrounding the temple was relatively safe, and you both had your lightsabers. The terrain was rocky, dangerous to climb, but that was the idea that the older padawan had presented to you. And you, not one to back down from a challenge, immediately agreed to sneak out with him.   
Because that was a good idea. 

Ben has already managed to pull himself up onto the first of many huge, red stone boulders, kneeling and reaching down for you. He takes your raised hands, and you pull your body upwards, huffing in effort. Your friend does not stop, he continues to move upwards, careful on the slick rocks, all the while, the falls thundered on beside you. It was daunting, but you knew that you could make it to the top. 

“Come on, little one! You're falling behind!” Ben called from high above you as you swung your body up onto the next obstacle. You scowled at him, opening your mouth to speak, when several things happen at once. 

Lightning split the sky above you, filling your vision with blinding light and effectively spooking you. Your feet slid out from under you as you stumbled, and suddenly you were falling, your hands gripping at nothingness around you. Agonizing pain filled you when your back met solid ground, your legs feeling a bit numb and warm. You're in shock, momentarily, but you can tell you're bleeding. Your ears are ringing, your lungs screaming for air, but there's a dull shouting around you as you stare up into the dark night sky.   
Was Ben okay? Did he fall too? Was he hurt? 

You tried to shift a little, but a small cry of pain left your lips, and you fell back, just as your hearing began to return, greeting you with pounding footsteps in the grass, coming towards you. Someone was screaming your name- Ben was! He was okay! You take a shaky breath, staring upwards as the pale face and wide eyes hover above you. 

“Gods, (Y/N), stay with me! It's okay, you're going to be okay!” He's panicking, and briefly, you wonder why, but then he's shedding his cloak and tearing the thin fabric into strips, cutting it with his teeth before wrapping them about your legs individually, tying them tightly. Pain rocketed through you, and you gasped, too weak to do much else. At least your nerves still worked…

Ben was trying to be collected and calm, his hands slicked with blood coming from the deep gashes on your thighs, and the small ones on your shins. You were afraid, but you couldn't help but feel somewhat relaxed, comfortable in his care. 

“M-Master Skywalker is going to skin us.” You breathed out with a soft chuckle, making Ben look up and meet your eyes. He looks scared, but now, mostly exasperated. 

“You are ridiculous. Here you are, falling apart at the seams, and you're worried about punishment?” He snorts, tying another scrap of thin fabric around your knee before gathering you up in his arms, and lifting you, holding you fast to his chest. 

“Course I'm worried. He's your uncle, he won't punish you…” You slung an arm round his neck, wincing when he held your legs.

“Shut up, you stupid kid. He's not going to punish us. You've already done that.” Ben replies, starting on the path back to the Temple. 

In the moonlight, you swear you could see tear tracks down his pale cheeks.

You wake with a jolt, wincing at the pain in your skull, and immediately, you know he’s there again, watching your memories. You’re restrained, your wrists held down by thick leather straps, but this time, you’re actually on a bed. The blanket beneath you is soft, a sort of fur, you guess, matching the general color of everything else in the room, all deep charcoal and greys.   
You don’t have to guess who’s room it is, because there he is, sitting in a chair in the far corner of the room, the helmet masking all emotion. The pain dissipates, and you let out a breath of relief. 

“The scars are still there.” He speaks, and you try sit up, wincing again as your arms twisted uncomfortably. You don’t answer, but he stands, crossing the room in three strides of his long legs. You try to shy away, but his gloved hand comes to rest on your clothed shin, pushing the fabric up until it’s settled around your upper thighs in the front. He’s not wrong; the ugly scars that’d lingered on your legs were still there, pink and wide, wrapping around the soft skin there. 

You snarl at him, arching your back to try and push him away, and when it doesn’t work, you do the next best thing. You spit at him, watching him step back carefully. 

“You’re poorly behaved, little one. You try to be so calm, but I… I can see your thoughts. Your memories. Why do you cling so tightly to your childhood?” He sounds almost mocking, and you roll your eyes, falling back against the black blanket beneath you. 

“I don’t.” You reply simply, refusing to look at him. He doesn’t deserve that kind of respect.   
“I try to think of when times were better. When people were better.” 

He only stares briefly before turning on his heel, moving to the table beside the chair he’d previously occupied. You expect to hear the sound of a lightsaber igniting, expecting the infamous torture that was always laid upon prisoners of the First Order. But it doesn’t come. 

Kylo Ren returns to the bedside with a cup, and after looking at it, you can tell it’s water. Your mouth is dry, but you don’t trust him, even as he presses it to your lips. You keep your mouth shut tightly, only to have your jaw pried open by an invisible hand, your throat opening as he forced the water into your body, literally. You wanted to shout, to spit at him again, but you couldn’t, kept quiet until he determined you’d had enough, and pulled the glass away, setting it on the bedside table. 

“You will be obedient to me. Fight, and i will not hesitate to deliver exactly the torture you so fear. Do you understand?” He asks, his hands balled into fists at his side. You glare, pissed beyond belief. He was blocking you from entering his head, and that fucking mask hid everything from you. If you didn’t know better, you’d think he was a droid. Still, you delivered a scathing glare. 

“Whatever you say, Ben.” You growl. 

Kylo Ren simply stood there, his hands shaking ever so slightly before he turned from you, and stormed away, out of your line of sight. There was a sharp sound of metal on metal, then the hiss of air as he left the room, the door locking behind him, leaving you all alone. 

It wasn’t such a bad thing, though. At least now you could try to search his mind, and try to find out where the hell you were. And get out of those restraints. Clearly, he’d forgotten that you were just as strong as him, trained in the Force, even if you’d not turned into a damned psychopath.   
Closing your eyes, you cleared your mind, willing the leather straps to undo themselves, and with the jingle of the buckles and the slide of fabric, you were free to sit upright and look around. 

The room wasn’t large or lavish, with just a few pieces of furniture and one exit, a hallway leading to a room done nearly entirely in chrome, and a door that you assumed was a closet. For a murderer, Kylo Ren lived quite modestly.   
Speaking of him… You stretched out your horizons, searching through the numerous people on board the ship, filtering through the ones who were dull, order taking men and women, skimming over those who gave off very faint auras, until you came to the one you were searching for. The color of him was red, seeping past your eyes and into your head, his anger and frustration nearly bleeding into you as well. But what you didn’t expect was the fear. The fear that crept into you and froze your heart, and you swallowed hard, digging deeper, only to be met with a block. It was then you knew you’d been caught, but he did not push you out. 

‘I can feel you.’ The thought penetrates your own mind, but to your relief, it lacks all agony, nothing like what he’d served you with before. The buzz of his presence in your skull is there, but it’s tolerable. 

‘How’s it feel, being picked apart?’ You counter, feeling another rise of anger. 

‘Get out, or i’ll make you wish i’d killed you instead.’ 

The threat is very real, but you don’t back down. Damn your pride. 

‘You couldn’t, Ben. You’re not strong enough. After all, you did come looking for me after ten years. Why did you do that?’ You ask, only to feel yourself physically shoved out, like a slap to the face. You gasp, holding your head. 

Fuck. You need to get out. Now. You need to hide, because you’re certain he’s coming back for you, and you know without a doubt, he’s stronger than you are, even on a good day. You scramble off the bed, looking around desperately before lunging for the door, slamming your hand down on the control pad. It slides open, and you break into a sprint, your dress billowing out behind you. 

You can sense him, growing closer to you, no doubt having already seen you escaping. And escaping the ship? That would be too easy. This was a game for him. 

Your side burned as you pushed yourself, swerving past officers and stormtroopers alike, knowing they'd probably already contacted security to hunt you down.   
You were a rabbit, running from a massive dog that would rip you to shreds.   
At the same time, however, you noted how he'd refrained from hurting you thus far… maybe he didn't intend on killing you after all. 

Sucking in a deep breath, you tried to run faster, but without warning, your foot was caught up from beneath you, and you went down, face first onto the cold metal floor. You were barely able to catch yourself with your hands, and now, the ache in your wrists told you that you'd probably injured yourself again.   
You move to push yourself up, but the whine of a blaster being powered up echoed in your ear, and you froze, not really wanting to be shot today. 

“Inform Commander Ren that his prisoner has escaped again.” A sharp, nasal voice split the air, and you swallowed hard as the muffled “Yes, General” came in response from a ‘trooper above you. You laid there on your belly, waiting for the worst of it, but what you got was a hand around your upper arm, hauling you ungracefully to your bare feet. A cry of pain left you, and suddenly, the cold muzzle of a pistol was being pressed just under your chin, bidding you to be silent. 

The man holding the gun and standing before you was tall, thin and weasel-like, his sharp features and sleep deprived eyes making you uncomfortable. It was clear that he was of high rank, the way his grey uniform and ginger hair displayed neatness in the highest degree. 

In his head, you could see the snide attitude, the absolute pleasure he got from owning you like this, and furthermore, for being higher than Kylo Ren. Immediately, you could sense the intense rivalry, but you can't help but laugh. 

“You're the babysitter.” You growl out through gritted teeth, and the hand on your arm tightens drastically. 

“Shut your mouth, girl.” He snarled, and you winced, trying to pull free as he dragged you back the way you'd come, and your heart began to pound, matching the footsteps that were coming towards you and your captor.   
You felt him before you saw him, fury bleeding into you, making terror rise in your chest. 

No matter how much you told yourself otherwise, you knew.   
You were afraid of Kylo Ren. 

The monster rounded the corner rapidly, his face turned towards you. He said nothing as he stopped, staring straight at you. His mind was a fire, painful to the touch as you dared to try to get inside. You swallowed hard, cringing when he reached out, gripping your arm just above your elbow before practically dragging you behind him, your bare feet sliding on the floor. 

You're in pain and you're afraid, but you still try to push him away using the Force, but it's about as effective as a butterfly pushing on a building. 

He's silent, his boots slamming on the metal, echoing as you tried to keep up, tears pricking in your eyes. You couldn't be a prisoner. You couldn't. 

“K-Kylo.” The name leaves you weakly, but he doesn't stop or even slow, but you feel something change in his demeanor. The fury was still there, even the fear, but there was a twinge of something… You couldn't see just what it was, not yet. 

He drags you back to his quarters, the door sliding open with just a thought from him, and locking behind you when you'd gotten inside.   
The Force grips your body like a hand, throwing you onto the bed so hard that it hurt, your chest tightening when Kylo Ren pulled his lightsaber from his belt, the blade igniting. 

“I was kind to you. I did not kill you. I clothed you. And you repaid me by trying to run from me.” His voice was low and dangerous, and you tried to back away, but he advanced on you, sparks shooting from the weapon, making your heart beat faster. 

“You fear me. And yet, you still hope that I am the foolish child you once knew. You hope that you can change me. You're pathetic. Weak.” You swallow hard, trying to gather up strength. 

“Why? Why do you believe that I would have pity on you, that I would let you continue to go free when you know?” 

Know? Know what? You take a shaky breath, eyes wide. 

“I don't know what you're talking about.” You say quietly, only to be held completely still. 

“I could reach into your mind and take it from you! I don't want to hurt you, but you're going to force my hand!” He shouts, and you cry out again, pooling all of your strength.   
With one shout of effort, a shock wave leaves your body, throwing Kylo Ren back into the wall, his lightsaber flying from his hand. 

Well. That's never happened before. 

The man is knelt on the ground, his head turned downward. You're trembling, but you're not going to let him win. Not when he knows you can do that.

Slowly raising his head up to look at you, you can feel the anger disappearing from him, and instead, he's filled with… confusion. It was unusual, that much power coming from one individual. 

“I… Don't. You won't touch me. You're a faceless monster. I'm not pathetic. You are.” The words leave your lips, and you're grateful that your voice doesn't shake. You almost seem a little intimidating. 

But he's not afraid of you. 

He started to rise, his movements slow and calculated as he moved towards you. You held your ground, though you were sat on your knees on his bed, not very threatening at all.   
He approaches the bed, standing beside until he's hovering over you, and his hands raise. You flinch instinctively, expecting a slap, but instead, he presses his fingers to the underside of his mask, pressing a pair of switches there.   
With a hiss of air escaping and the snap of locks unlatching, the helmet was lifted from his head, and your heart stilled in your chest.

It was Ben- Mostly the young man you remembered, his hair dark, the curls spilling onto his shoulders. His eyes were dark, as deep and beautiful as you remembered, the little beauty marks sprinkled across his angular features making your heart clench. The only thing that threw you off was the long, pale scar that traveled up his jaw, across his face, all the way up to his forehead. It was obviously earned in a battle, and you could only guess that he’d deserved it.   
You wanted to cry, because you knew, deep down, this was not your friend. Not the boy you’d grown up with. This was whatever the Dark Side had created, had turned against the Light. For the first time in forever, you cared about the sides of the war. You knew that the Dark would create nothing but a shell of him. You couldn’t let that happen. 

His eyes bore into yours as he leaned down, growing closer to you. You couldn’t even wince away. 

“Am I? Am I truly this ‘faceless monster’, little one?” He demanded, his voice soft, almost gentle. But still, you felt sick, knowing, for sure, now, that he really was Ben Solo. 

“Yes.” You whisper, leaning back to get away from him. He follows, though, a knee coming to rest on the bed, his helmet cast aside and forgotten.   
“You wear a mask. Someone told you that you had to, and now, you’re no one. You’re still a monster.” 

There’s a twitch in his features as he advances again, a hand resting beside your hip, the other too close to your bandaged side. Would he hurt you again?   
Eyes meeting yours, a seam of pain reaches across your skull, and this time, it doesn’t relent right away. He’s ripping you apart, picking through your mind like a sparrow searching for a seed in a field, stabbing and pulling, and you can’t help the tears that spring to your eyes, your lips parting as you struggle to keep quiet, but you can’t. A scream of pain leaves your lips, and just like that, the pressure is gone and Kylo Ren has pulled away, sitting back and staring at you. It takes you a moment to get your bearings again, but when you can finally think straight again, you want to cry, feeling the worst sort of violated. 

“You don’t remember.” 

He speaks, and you glance up, biting down hard on your lip. 

“I… I don’t know what you’re talking about.” You whisper, the tears slipping down your cheeks. You take a shaky breath as he stands, picking up his helmet and sliding it back on easily, locking it in place before he reaches out, his saber flying back to his hand. 

“Your memories are blocked from me.” He muttered, the modulator almost not picking it up. He’s agitated, you can see and feel it, the buzz of frustration filling the room and making you scramble up the bed, your back pressed to the headboard. Would he hit you? Would he try to get into your head again? His face flashed in your mind once more, and you take a shaky breath, wanting to weep for your lost comrade. Who had crushed him into this mold? Why did he think he had to be this way?

Ren stared at you, his chest rising and falling as he took a deep breath.   
“I told you. I don’t want to hurt you. I only want to know.” 

“Know what?” You shot back, your hands fisted in the thick blankets.

He was still again, unmoving, unspeaking. He was downright unnerving to you, and it infuriated you. Was that his goal? To piss you off? Your emotions were flying around your head, making your heart ache and your mind crack itself. 

“I don’t understand, B-... Kylo. I don’t understand what you want from me. You say you don’t want to harm me, but you came after me. You kill innocent people, you hurt children and destroy homes. You did hurt me. You won’t talk to me, you won’t let me help you! This can’t be you. This can’t be. You can’t be the boy i grew up with. Where is Ben?” The words spill from you, and you can’t help but be shocked at yourself. 

He’s angry now, you can feel it thick in the air, nearly suffocating you. And, contrary to what you’d expected, he turned on his heel, storming towards the door. 

“Leave this room again, and i’ll give you a new scar.” The threat hangs in the air as the portal slid open, locking as it shut behind him. His boots thudded on the metal flooring in the hallway, and you hear the telltale sound of a lightsaber igniting, followed by loud, intense banging and slashing, as if someone was attacking the walls. 

Fits of rage? Not uncommon. But just listening to that, flinching at every hiss, even though it was outside of the room, you were made nervous. 

Ben, as a child, did something similar. He was frustrated, afraid, and you could tell that he’d not changed very much. He’d done terrible things, and yet… He was still lost.   
For the first time, you felt it. You were the Light, and he was the Dark, and you needed to pull him out of the terrible mess he’d gotten himself into. You wanted Ben back, and if you had to get him yourself, you would. 

You knew that trying to escape was pointless, and you had worked through several strategies in your mind. 

No weapon. Couldn’t fight your way out.   
You were too weak to make anyone forget they’d seen you.  
If Hux caught you, he’d give you to Ren.   
If Ren caught you, you could count on being in pain. 

So, here you were, curled into the corner of the room with your head resting uncomfortably against the wall. This was a good place to hide; hard to get to, but you could see all the doors in the room, with minimal blockage. You’d curled your body beneath the table, waiting for him to come back, waiting for him to torture you again.  
Hours passed, and your limbs had grown stiff in your position, your body nearly cramping, but this way, you could bring yourself into a form of meditation, calming your mind, ignoring all twinges of pain, and pangs of hunger that were arching through your body.   
How long had it been since you’d eaten? A while, you guessed, as another grumble seized your stomach. You tried to ignore it, just wanting to keep hiding. 

You fell asleep under that table, your head against the cold metal of the wall beside you, your ass definitely going numb on the hard floor, but you weren’t exactly an easy target under here. Your sleep was dreamless, peaceful even, right up until-

The sharp, obnoxious hiss of the door opening jarred you awake, and you pushed yourself back further, eyes wide and alert.   
In walked Kylo, his shoulders slumped and his hands reaching upward to remove the helmet once more. You watched, anxiously, but he didn’t seem to even notice you as he set the headpiece on the bed.   
His skin was pale, sun starved, no doubt, but he looked exhausted and just as agitated as you’d seen him earlier. But agitation did not equal the same as anger, and that became apparent when he turned his gaze to you, just staring, blinking. You swallow hard, pressing your palms flat to the floor in a bid to make yourself harder to move. 

Ren did not speak as he crossed the room, kneeling down beside the table, eyes flickering over your form as he watched you. It wasn’t unlike a child watching a fish in a tank, eyes alert, and yet, an air of boredom flickered over him.   
A twinge of discomfort struck across your skull, and you gasped, instantly shoving out the intrusion and blocking him. A withering glare fixed over your features, and you swear you could see the man before you smirk. He thought this was funny?

“Of all the places to hide, little one.” Ren murmured, backing off slightly. You let out a sigh of relief, but bit down on your lip hard as your stomach growled, rupturing the silence. The man cocked a brow, frowning slightly as he observed you. 

“Are you hungry?” He asked, and entirely on instinct, you shook your head, not really wanting to risk being poisoned, or made to consume whatever he had to offer. But he knew you were lying, because he rose, picking up a communications device from his belt and demanding that a droid bring food to his quarters, for both him and his prisoner. You chewed your lip as he seated himself on the corner of the bed, setting the comms system away from him, his eyes on you. He wanted you to come out from your hiding spot, but he wouldn’t force you. He had tried to make things more comfortable for you, but you couldn’t let yourself be fooled. 

“...The child on Jelucan.” Kylo spoke quietly, not flippantly. Your heart clenched, and you leaned forward slightly, scowling. 

“Did you kill her?” You snapped, and just as you’d suspected, he didn’t move an inch. 

“No. She had no quarrel with me. She didn’t know who you were, did she?” His voice was still low, but it lacked the danger and hatred, the anger that he usually spoke to you with. It was odd, but you weren’t going to question it. 

“No. She just… she thought i could do funny things.”

“Funny things?”

You nodded slowly.   
“I...I told stories… old legends. I used dolls and i… i made them dance and move. The kids liked it.”

He blinked, and you could see him processing your words.   
“Your use of the Force for such petty things is what led us to you. You put the planet in danger, all for the sake of a little game with a child.” He spoke harshly, and you huffed, slowly crawling out of your hiding place. Your joints protested as you stood to your full height, the deep charcoal fabric ruffling over your legs. 

“It made them happy. Jelucan is cold and unforgiving, and i made it better.” You explained, but the dark haired man stood, towering over you.

“The Force is not meant to be used as a toy. You need to learn to use it properly. I can teach you.” His hands raise, gripping your upper arms tightly. You want to pull back, but there’s something in his eyes, something showing such earnest and desperation, nearly a prayer, begging you to join him. But you’re not one to take sides. You can only study him, study his eyes and that scar, the finish of which was hidden by the collar of his shirt. You swallowed hard, gathering your strength. 

“Do you remember when we were children, when we first started sparring with our lightsabers?” You ask, and you can see that you’ve caught it off guard, so you continue. 

“I was much smaller than you, but you never held back. You always won our fights, but you never, ever hit me. You told me that was because only those belonging to the Dark Side used their power to further their horrible acts. When you fought me on Jelucan, you were holding back. I know you’re still in there somewhere, Ben. You don’t have to obey whoever is making you do these things…” His grip on your arms had faltered slightly, but you didn’t pull away. 

“It’s him, isn’t it? That one that everyone fears? Snoke?” You’d heard whispers in cantinas, hushed tales, but by the way Kylo’s hands tighten on you, you’re certain now. 

“He’s wise. He’s helped me become stronger, like my grandfather. He can help you too, he can make you like me.” He’s insistent, but you only stare. 

“No, Ben. This isn’t you.” You whisper. Lips parting to respond, he’s cut off suddenly by a service droid entering the room, going about it’s business and practically pushing you into Kylo to get past and place a pair of plates on the table. It gives a slight chirp, hurrying out of the room and leaving you alone with Ren again. You’re nearly chest to chest, looking up at him with fire in your eyes. But he doesn't try to dominate you again. Instead, he stands down, backing off.   
“You will eat your dinner, then you will be sent to a cell for the night. You will need your strength for the morning.” He speaks softly and you're confused. 

“Why?” You ask, and he looks up, his eyes lacking any answers you're searching for. 

“I'm going to obliterate the block in your mind.” He replies, and you swallow hard. 

“That sounds painful…” You mumble. 

“It will be.” Kylo says, looking away again, and you take a deep breath, sitting down at the table and coaxing yourself to eat.   
You know he's right. You can't fight him when you're weak. 

He sits on the bed, away from you, and his plate floated across the empty space to him, into his hands. He doesn't want to look at you, and you're fine with that. In fact, you're not sure you can take the heart ache that comes with looking him in the eye. 

You would wait to get the upper hand.   
Good things come to those who wait.


	3. Sad Eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a lot shorter than the others, but I'm just trying to get back into the swing of things. I hope you enjoy!

The skull splitting agony flashes blood red behind your eyes as the cold claws of Kylo Ren’s Force dig through your brain, picking you apart and searching your mind. He’s been doing this hours; he seems to enjoy watching you writhe in pain. 

You’d been dragged from sleep in your freezing cell by rough and tumble Stormtroopers, their grip tight on your arms as they tug you down the cold hallways, practically being hauled and tripping over your feet as they take you to the interrogation room. Placed in the restraints and having the cuffs tightened to the point of circulation loss, you know there’s little you can do. The straps across your hips and chest make you feel a bit claustrophobic, but the worst is yet to come. No windows. One door.   
Black and dark greys, punctuated by the red lights glimmering along the walls, are all you can see, but as you try to relax, you allow your mind to stretch and explore.   
He’s coming. He’s not far away. To your surprise, fear is the most prevalent of your emotions, and you open your eyes, pulling a bit at your restraints in a feeble attempt to free yourself. How could you? And if you were to get out of these cuffs and straps, where would you go? You’re trapped. You must accept it.   
The bay door opens with the telltale sound of metal grinding against itself, and the harsh pounding of heavy boots makes you tremble and squeeze your eyes shut. You can’t block him out.   
Which brings you back to your current state, broken and choking back sobs as you struggle to put up walls in your mind, to keep him out again. Hours of this torture, this terrible pain, and he’d gotten nothing. Just your years without him, and without the Jedi Order. You were young and afraid. He probably liked seeing you that way. Bastard. 

You shove him out, this time sucking in a deep breath and letting out a cry of pain, watching as he recoils, turning away from you with a barely audible growl of irritation.   
“The sooner you stop trying to hide from me, the sooner this will be over. I will get what I want.” Comes the deep rumble of his altered voice. You close your eyes, shaking your head. You won’t beg for mercy. He thrives on your weakness. 

“Very well then. Again.” He growls, coming closer and pressing his leather clad hand to your forehead, and so the torture begins again.  
It starts at the front of your skull, feeling like a growing headache. As if a sharp shard of metal was making its way through the soft tissue of your brain, the pain increases and you squirm, trying to deal with it. He’s digging now, the pain growing white hot, then blunt and unforgiving like a hammer.   
And then, there is the wall. The block that has been forced into your mind, put there by someone else – someone far stronger than yourself. And perhaps, stronger than even Kylo Ren.   
He begins to work at the block again, hand pushing your head back against the uncomfortable metal headrest of the interrogation chair. This, you decide, must be exactly what hell is like. The pressure that is surely tearing your brain to bits is too much, but you know this routine. He won’t back down, even if you cry or beg for him to. It’s useless.   
All the same, as he wails on the blockade, you weep, shaking your head and trying to get away from him. 

“N-No-“ You try, but it’s useless. He won’t relent. He won't.   
You think that he will just continue, not caring if you’re dying under his hand, but you’re wrong. Something happens – one strike lands perfectly and you scream out as a blinding light, seemingly from inside of you, overpowers your vision, numbing your body. 

Your vision returns to you after a moment, but no longer are you strapped down to the chair. You’re standing in soft, sweet grass, the breeze ruffling it around your bare feet, the thin skirt you wore catching the wind as well. You look around, frowning as you begin to recognize the area. It was so familiar, and yet –   
You pause, turning as you hear someone approaching, someone running towards you, and you turn, just in time for the being to run straight through you, as if you’re not there. And that’s when it occurs to you. You aren’t there. Or here, rather. This is a memory. A repressed memory. And the being that just passed through you, upon a closer look, is you, as a child. Hair pulled back, training clothes on, little you is hurrying away at a full sprint, heading towards a small building, not far away.   
What choice do you have? You follow her.   
The child isn't hard to keep up with - you always had short legs - and you follow her down the firelit path until she reaches a dome shaped bungalow. You hesitate, not sure that you remember this. How could your memories have not retained this? 

The younger you crawls into a bush near the opening of the bungalow, hiding and listening to the conversation within, the pair of voices carrying out of the doorway. 

One is angry, the other soothing, but somewhat frustrated. It strikes you, as you begin up the path, your heart beating faster, fear seeping into you. It all seems wrong. 

Heading into the small area, you swallow hard as you take in the scene before you.   
There's a fire pit in the center of the room, the orange glow casting shadows and illuminating the two figures sitting on the floor. 

One is smaller than the other, but more slender, darker, longer hair, and the obvious anxiety and anger pulsing off of him made you think of… Ben. 

The other person was someone you recognized as well, someone who practically raised you. Luke Skywalker, soothing and teaching, and he's trying to help calm Ben. 

“You don't understand! You're holding us back! Why won't you let us? This power, it's so much better than what you're teaching us!” Ben was fuming, fists balled upon his knees. 

Luke shakes his head.   
“Ben, you don't understand. This power that you feel, it's dangerous, and if you let it in, it will consume you.” 

“No! It will make me stronger!” Ben stands up, the fury radiating off of him making you stumble. 

“It will destroy you! It will destroy you, and it will ruin everything that you've learned.” Luke counters. Ben snarls, pressing his fists against his forehead. 

“No! I'm going to get more powerful!” Ben shouts, taking a step toward Luke, who falters a bit.   
You realize now- Luke was weak. He was afraid. He was afraid of Ben, and this destruction was his fault. He wasn't strong enough to stop Ben from ripping it all apart. 

He wasn't able to defend the children that were in his charge, so he scattered them to the four winds, and locked away your memories. You were angry with Luke, you find, but you know that the Sith is not something you want to be. But you don't want to be a part of the Jedi Order, either. 

You don't know who would destroy more. But you're relatively certain that Kylo Ren, the one who had come to crack your brain down the middle and dig out your memories, is the one you need to keep from destroying the Universe.   
Somewhere in the back of your mind, you feel someone watching, someone listening in on this memory, like some celestial being, unseen, but felt. Kylo, you think, perhaps. He was the one who had dredged this up. You swallow hard, moving away from the confrontation and back towards the little you, hiding in the shrubs. You're small, curled up, afraid, but curious. Like the idea of doing the same as Ben was actually attractive. Oh… 

That could be a reason that your memories were lost. That makes sense. You, potentially being a threat just as Kylo was. It strikes you hard, making you stumble a bit, and around you, the world quakes visibly. The girl in front of you doesn't seem to notice it, but your bare feet feel the tremors in the earth. You know that his hold is waning, perhaps from shock as well. You want to leave this memory, now.   
Hands going to your temples, that pain dripping back into your brain makes you sob, crying out.   
“Ben!” You gasp, wishing he might take pity on you, release you from this harsh vision. You can't take it. 

And all at once, you're back on the cold steel table, strapped down and head aching, but you're back. You let out a soft sob, head falling back weakly as you try to gather your broken pieces back up. 

“...I told you they were there.” Comes that deep voice, making you jump hard, but you relax after a moment. 

“There are more than one, you know. And I'll find them. I'll get them from you.” It sounds like a threat, and you take a deep breath. 

“No.” You whisper softly, not bothering to open your eyes. You fear the lights might make the pain worse. 

“No?” Kylo asks again, cloth rustling nearby, close to your head. The leather of his worn gloves brushes across your forehead and you jerk suddenly, wanting to be away from him. 

“No! I can't!” You gasp, trying to free your hands from the metal restraints. 

“You can. You will.” He says lowly, and you can't take this. You let out a roar of frustration, and suddenly, the hissing and clanking of metal releasing sounds, and you're free, wrenching out of the straps and your eyes wide open as your feet hit the steel floor. The man just stares at you, the table between you now. That damn mask hides all emotion, and you curse it in your mind. But as you reach out, trying to detect anything from him. He doesn't feel angry. He feels… intrigued.

“You're strong.” He comments, and you shake your head, chest heaving. 

“I'm not your toy to break.” 

He chuckles at that, beginning to move around the table, coming towards you. Your heart hammers in your chest, backing away and looking around for anything you might be able to use as a weapon. You see nothing, but you're not about to give into his intimidation. He advances still, and your back hits the smooth wall as you step away. You want to try to plan, but you remember suddenly about what he'd said to you. You think too loud. You'd just project your plan. 

He's less than a foot away from you, and you have to get away from him. Taking a deep breath, you wait until he's practically upon you before acting.   
You duck away from him suddenly, moving to the left before utilizing all of your body strength and weight and throwing your body into his at full force. He stumbles a bit and you let out a huff, having not expected him to be so solid. But you don't wait around for him to come back from it. You run across the small room, leaping over the table and squaring up your shoulders, holding up your hands.   
The frustration in the air is thick and heavy, and you take a deep breath, tasting the sparks of it on your tongue. 

Kylo growls, turning to face you, his hand going to his belt and drawing his lightsaber. He waits to power it on until he's gotten closer to you so that the sparks and heat being thrown about make you shake anxiously. You wish you had a weapon besides your fists, but wishing wasn't going to get you shit. 

He raises the saber and you dive away again, rolling beneath the table, thinking you're safe for the moment, before the crimson blade comes down through the table, inches from your face. You yelp, getting back on your feet, fists balled. 

“S-Stop it! Stop! I'm not afraid of you!” It's a lie. But you need to find something, a weakness, anything. 

“I think you are.” He counters, and your heart jumps, just as it does every time he speaks. You take a shaky breath, backing against the wall. 

“Take off the mask. At least… at least face me when you kill me. Do me that service, at least.” You breathe, fists tight and knuckles white. You're terrified. 

And to your surprise, the lightsaber retracts, and it's placed back on the man's hip. Gloved hands go to the switches on the bottom of the helmet, releasing quiet hydraulic hisses as he begins to remove it. Lifting it off of his head, letting his dark hair fall over his shoulders, you take him in again, biting your lip. 

“Ben…” You whisper, wincing when he slammed the headpiece down on the remainder of the ruined table. He turns to you, eyes dark and scowl apparent as he begins to approach again. He makes you feel so small, and you want to curl away from him, but you stay upright, eyes on his as he comes closer. 

“I'm not Ben. I'm not that insolent, stupid child you thought you knew. Your past is hidden from us both, but you know that I will get it from you.” He hesitates as he comes closer still, nearly chest to chest as he looks down at you.   
“I don't want to hurt you, but if I must, I will.” 

Swallowing hard, you look up at him, eyes wide.   
“You're right about one thing.” You whisper, brows drawing together. 

“You're not my Ben.” And with those words, hands are on his chest, shoving hard, and with the help of the Force, he's being thrown back away from you, and you bolt for the door, placing a hand on the control panel and willing the door to open. It does, and you sprint out of there, knowing that you'll be dead if you're caught. So, don't get caught. 

There's shouting behind you as you run, but you're sure you can outrun them.   
At least, you could, if that blaster hadn't fired from behind you, the laser cutting straight through your left shoulder. You gasp, stumbling and hitting the ground hard as blood drips from the wound and pools on the floor below you, and your vision swims. It hurt terribly, but you have to keep going. You have to. You start to get up, letting out a grunt of effort, but another shot fires, hitting you square in the back- a stun shot this time. The shock bolts through your body and you yell out in pain before you drop, face down on the cold walkway, letting darkness consume you.


	4. Bring Him Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW IT'S BEEN A MINUTE
> 
> HE'S SOME SMUT TO MAKE UP FOR IT

It’s dark, the sky full of stars, muffled crackling and screaming -   
The orange glow of fire thrown into the sky, the temple in flames and crumbling to the ground,   
the hand in yours tight. You don’t know who it is pulling you along, out of harm’s way, but in that   
moment, the fear and anger circling around you is damn near suffocating, and as you run along   
the path, away from the reign of terror -   
A burning bright light behind your eyelids makes you stir, and the ache of your spine brings your   
mind back around to what had transpired the last time you were conscious. You’d run away   
again ( - you’d think you’d learned from the first two times running away, unsuccessfully - ), but   
this time, you’d been… you’d been shot. Oh, gods, you’d been shot!   
Your eyes fly open and you suck in air like you’d been underwater, your back arching and   
reminding you of the idiot you were. Holy hell… Oh, no.   
Your wrists restrained at your sides, your head swimming, tears welling in your eyes, you start   
to struggle, willing the Force to free you, but nothing happens. Your focus is not there, your   
mind is fractured, and you’re not strong enough. What has he done to you?   
Blinking hard, you look around the room, trying to gain back your bearings. Not the interrogation   
room, not the cell, not Kylo’s bed chamber… It’s a different room, small and cold, a table   
beneath you. It’s almost like the examination room you'd been in when you'd first arrived at on the ship. 

You weren't wearing the gown anymore, instead you were in prisoner's clothes, simple thin garments pants instead of a skirt. Maybe when you ran again-

No. No, you weren't going yo run again. What you needed... You needed your lightsaber. Maybe you could fight him with it - 

The sharp hiss of the bay door opening makes you jump hard and grimace as you jar the wound on your back. The heavy footsteps on the floor make you anxious now, and you look up, seeing three Stormtroopers, one clad entirely in chrome armor. Your heart is in your throat, but you swallow your fear, taking a shaky breath. 

"...Let me out of here." You say firmly, but the trooper doesn't move beyond looking you over. 

"Commander Ren has instructed me to escort you to his chambers." The voice is feminine, a bit surprising to you as you shift, trying to pull free. 

"I don't want to be near him. He's a monster." You spit, but she doesn't relent, pointing her blaster at you as the other two troopers work on removing the mechanical restraints, freeing you, but you don't boy, as much as you wanted to.   
You were starving, your knees and back aching, and frankly, right now... all you wanted was to sleep on something that wasn't a metal plate. Maybe if you played his game, he might be kind to you.   
Maybe you could find your Ben.   
Maybe you could bring him home. 

"If you try anything, scum, I will make you regret it." The leader says firmly, and you swallow hard, nodding. 

"Lets go." 

 

The walk to Kylo's chambers with the troopers offer something different, more of a chance to look around instead of rushing away. And now, without the aid of the Force, you actually have to look instead of sensing your surroundings. 

The walls and floors are black and grey, the whole place generally cold and unwelcoming.   
It didn't feel like Ben Solo at all. It ached in your chest as you remembered him as a younger man, not so long ago. He must have been nineteen or twenty, looking down at you with gentle and fond eyes, offering you a hand to hold.   
He was never all this chrome and charcoal.   
He was earth tones, cream and brown, blues and pinks. That spot of blank that you'd been too naive to see, you'd passed over it, but now that you think of him, how he truly used to be, your chest aches and tears prick at your eyes.   
There's a slight pressure on your skull, and you know that he's there, violating your mind again. It doesn't hurt, and it's almost a comfort. At least he knows that you've not given up on him yet. 

The presence lingers on a moment, and you turn your eyes upward, looking at the ceiling as your bare feet pad along behind the Stormtroopers, until finally, you reach the large, ornate doors.  
They slide open, and there he stands, face obscured once more by the horrible mask. You simply start forward, head low as you walk into his chambers, feeling all eyes on you. You just want to get this over with.

There are no words exchanged behind you as you simply sit down at the table, your cuffed hands resting on the metal surface as Kylo Ren enters, looking at you. 

“Lets just start, please. I want you to… I just want you to find whatever it is you're looking for. I'm tired.” You say before he can patronize you. He's silent for a few moments, but when he speaks, it's surprising.

“Come. Sit on the bed.” 

You look at him curiously, but obey, moving to the soft, warm furs. You assume he'd been occupying this space not long ago. You sit on the edge, but he motions for you to move further, against the headboard. He kneels, then, on the bed, the emotionless face of the mask boring into you. 

“You were thinking about me. About him.” He says, his voice low, making your chest tighten uncomfortably. 

“Yes. I was. You used to be my best friend.” You respond.   
“Do you remember?”

He's silent for a moment before he stands, removing his helmet.   
“Lets get started.” 

Your throat tightens now and you swallow hard, nodding. It's better to not put off the inevitable. You try to relax against the pillows beneath you as he kneels down beside you, and you don't look at his face. It would only hurt more.   
He raises his hand, his leather clad fingertips just barely brushing your forehead, and it begins, that pressure, bearing down violently on your brain and making you let out a sob of pain, your fingers fisting the blanket under you. You wished you could Force him away, push him out, but he'd only get angry. 

You can feel it when he comes to a barrier, like a rock in your mind, and he begins to beat at it violently, making you grit your teeth to keep the agony at bay. 

Unrelenting, harsh and cruel, Kylo smashes the block again and again, and you can't help the scream that pulls from your lips, and then, all at once, it shatters, and you're thrown into a memory once more. 

You stand in the dark, looking at the moonlit ocean. It's beautiful- you can smell the crisp ocean air and feel the wind against your cheeks. Your hair blows in the breeze, and you inhale deeply, the pain a distant thought now. 

“I remember this place.” 

You look up slowly, your eyes falling on Kylo, standing beside you on the overlook. You nod, hugging your arms to your chest to keep out the chill. His face is hard to read in the dark, but as you turn, looking behind you both, you see a small fire, with two figures sitting beside it. Without hesitating, you turn, moving towards it. 

“(Y/n), You don't understand, he can teach us, far more than Luke ever could. We could rule the galaxy, together. We could stay together, no stupid Jedi rules pulling us to different ends of the galaxy- “ A young Ben Solo was speaking, his face illuminated in a ghostly fashion.   
Beside you, Kylo was stood so close that your shoulder pressed against his chest. 

“Ben, that's just… You think it's a good idea? I can't just abandon my Master, not for someone who wants to hurt people. That isn't what I'm here for!” That voice, your own, only younger, protests. 

This memory is so vivid now, you're reliving it. You can see the way that Ben clutches your hands, his eyes burning with urgency, his voice sharpened with… fear. Oh, gods. 

You understood.   
Snoke ordered Ben to kill the padawans, and he was desperate to save you.   
He loved you. 

You cover your mouth, watching the younger ones before you , feeling Kylo move closer behind you. 

“You don't understand. You could be powerful, you could be stronger than Luke, or me-” Ben tries again, and the younger you stands abruptly, shaking her head. 

“This is wrong. This isn't you, Ben Solo, who are you?” She asks, and Ben rises. She cups his face, pulling him closer to her.   
“Ben, where have you gone? Come home to me, please, dont… don't go somewhere that I can't go too.” Her voice is tight and soft, and you can see the tears rolling down the cheeks of both teenagers. 

“I want to leave.” You say, turning around and facing Kylo, who's expression was one your not seen before.   
You could feel it, the return of power inside of you, and you take a shaky breath, gathering your strength, and squaring up with him, before placing two hands on his chest and shoving him harshly. He stumbles back, and suddenly, you're both back in his bedchambers, on the plush bed. 

Your cheeks were wet, and much to your shock, so were Kylo's. He'd been crying too. 

“(Y/n)...” He whispers, one of his large hands moving to your cheek, and you instinctively recoil, trying to move away. That memory couldn't have been real. Why - How could you love someone like him? A monster in a mask. 

“Stop. That… it wasn't a real memory, it's made up. You put that in my head, I know you did, you bastard!” You sob, pressing yourself against the headboard as you shake your head. 

“I want you to stop! I want you to let me go, you bastard!” 

You're struggling, you're so angry, and as you push against him, trying to shove him away, he advances, pulling you to him and crushing his lips to yours. 

It's a struggle at first, his cracked and plush lips on yours making you want to fight him, but as you let him, memories floor you. This was not your first kiss. It was far from it. You'd grown up together, you'd trained together. You'd fallen in love. You'd broken a jedi code. 

The man pulls away, and you take a sharp breath, relaxing against the board behind you. You meet his dark eyes. 

“Please don't tell me that that was what you were looking for in my head.” You say softly, somewhat exasperated. 

“No, it wasnt.” He mutters, rolling his eyes as he wipes his lip.   
“it was just… a bonus, I suppose.”

You hold your head in your hands, trying to process it all. 

“You loved me then.” Kylo says, shifting forward again, and you turn your head away.   
“You weren't a snake and a murderer then.” You respond, and he frowns, taking your chin between his fingers and forcing you to look at him now. Your eyes meet. 

“Then why does your mind and body call for me? Why do you beg to have me inside of you?”

Your cheeks flush and you curse him for having such an insight into your brain. What a bastard. 

But he's right. Who he was, who he used to be- Ben is still there, you're positive. He'd just proven that. 

“Come home to me.” You whisper, fresh tears spilling down your cheeks before he lunges forward, kissing you once more, pulling your body flush to his, his arms tight around you and yours around his neck as you kiss him back.   
Gods, your chest ached so fiercely, your fingers find their way into those dark curls, tugging ever so gently, soft whimpers dropping from your lips as you struggle to keep him close, not willing to let him go. Not again. 

He's rough and harsh, obviously just as unpracticed as you, and you want to sob. You can feel him, your sweet Ben. 

One of his hands slides down, gripping at your ass through the horribly uncomfortable prisoner pants and you whine weakly, hips pressing into his. You gasp, feeling the man's hardening cock beneath you, and you nip at his lip, cheeks bright with a blush. 

“Ben…” You whisper as you pull away, grinding against him needily. He buffs, looking at you with darkened eyes before he moves you off of his lap, like you weigh no more than a leaf. He lays you down on your back, hovering over you and kissing you again before he moves away from your face, down to start removing your bottoms, tugging them to reveal your bare flesh, the scars on your thighs, and your dripping heat. The cold air makes you hiss a little, but you may perfectly still, your head against one of the soft pillows as you try to calm your fluttering heart. 

He gives no warning before he's their, and you feel his breath before you feel his tongue, licking a thick stripe up your pussy, drawing a sharp cry from your lips.   
“Ben-” You breathe out, a hand reaching down, searching for something to hold, and finding the blanket. 

The man growls softly as he looks up at you, meeting your eyes before he totally dives in, voracious and hungry as he licks and sucks at you, his plush lips circling around you clit and sucking, long and deep draws. 

“Oh, gods.” You whisper, feeling your heat slick a bit more at that. It feels so fucking good, and your mind doesn't even hover on the fact that the man who was currently eating you out, was the man who had killed countless people. 

He was Ben, for now. You could draw him back, you could end this tyranny, and holy fuck, you could come on his tongue. 

“Ben, please-” You breathe out, his fingers tangling in his hair now, tugging sharply. The growl that leaves his throat is almost feral and your stomach flips, your heart jumping. 

His tongue circles at your entrance before pressing into you deeply, and you moan, biting your lip hard, as you sit up a little, propping yourself up on one elbow, just watching the man work. Oh, gods, it's turning you on so much, that coil of heat in your belly is making you want to cry, you're so close already- 

And that was when Ben slid two gloved fingers inside of you, his lips focusing on your clit now as he coaxes you to orgasm. 

It hits you like a damn comet out of nowhere, a sob leaving you as you grip at his hair, tugging sharply as you cry out in pleasure.   
“Ben!” you whimper, falling back on the bed. Your heart was pounding, sweat beading at your forehead as he pulls his fingers out of you, wiping your juices on your discarded pants. 

“...Get dressed. You will return to your cell, and you will await my call. We will continue breaking the memory blocks once you've rested.” 

You sit bolt upright, your eyes going wide. Oh, gods… He… he wasn't back. You'd found him, and he was still hell bent on breaking You? After he'd just had you there…? Your lip trembles, but you won't cry in front of him. Not again. 

“Yes, sir.” You say softly, already starting to formulate a plan, and step one was to get your strength back.   
Then you'd be able to fight Kylo Ren.   
And bring Ben home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So really, it's not cliche like
> 
> "I WAS TRYING TO MAKE YOU REMEMBER THAT YOU LOVED ME"
> 
> There's a mission here, I promise


End file.
